You need to be extra careful with your new discovery. Try to step back a little further and see the bigger picture: are you serving your higher self or your ego?
Before proceeding, note that the spiritual journey is unique for every individual and thus, the awakening and the process of awareness is also different for each. So if you are still in the hazy stage (you will get me as you read along), tread with caution.
This was an observation from dear friends (yes, plural) when I was basking in my spiritual awakening last March 2021. And I heed their advice because I was still in my natural high.
I really felt reborn. Without any expectations, I was drawn into the awakening of spirituality and gained new brothers and sisters AND also got more aware of some things.
New Doors Opening? Or A Bottomless Rabbit Hole?
Slowly, I wanted to learn more–I wanted to dig deeper and see more of what’s in store.
I saw myself joining different spiritual groups, interacting with a larger audience and it felt like stepping inside a carnival. It was dreamy, fun and never-ending search for the truth.
I finally read myself on Tarot (finally!), added more oracle decks. I also acquired new and bigger gems to address those chakras I felt that need awakening. I added new rituals in my usual crystal cleansing during the new moon and full moon. I even have live engagements talking and interacting with more personalities in the mystical arts and the like.
Then the “Signs” That Are Telling
While it amazed me how I got drawn into this New Age culture, there are telling signs in my behavior.
Taking Things Personally
I was minding my business, doing my usual rituals. Then I read somewhere that it should not be done. I did my thorough research and there was no basis of their claim. I continued my ritual but I felt that wanting to prove my point. I felt bad for them and there was a sense of pride. I know it was wrong, but I pursued it anyway.
Who Is Correct or Who Does It Better?
The main reason of being part of several groups was to get as more resources as possible. I did not want to follow blindly and I felt that there is an endless possibility to learning. But later on, I find myself choosing one group over the other and I am suddenly recognizing my biases. Moreover, why does it feel like I felt the need to choose a side?
I never thought of it that way, but soon I felt there was filter of my feelings. During one of my (psychiatric and psychotherapy) consultations, I’m aware of what is wrong and what is right but now, I felt that there was no place and no space for even feeling down or feeling weary.
Stepping Back, Better Yet, Taking More Steps Back
It has only been three months since I dabble and sipped of this Spiritual Juju. There is nothing wrong really in this side of the fence. It has given me a chance to look at things in a wider perspective and not just seeing it in a narrow lens.
But I have a lot to learn and swallowing the bitter pill, I have fallen to the spiritual ego trap.
I am in the process of clearing the mud–Integration is the best word to describe as my mentor and friend described it. I am writing this as my way of taking responsibility of my actions and correcting them, hoping I could do better than who I am presently.
I am aware that I am trapped in the spiritual ego but I am also aware of the dangers (read my references below). I do not see myself as better than the cliques, the self-proclaimed gurus and those who just started drinking the juju, but I see the need to pluck myself out of the ruckus. There is no better nor worse, but I need to go back, unlearn some things and know what is essential.
Although I do not regret undergoing this journey (and I believe I am still in it), I am also thankful for seeing things and signals earlier. Like in Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief, I might have lost my path in a seemingly bottomless pit, I have acknowledged I am a long way to go in the quest of spirituality–back to the mines I say!
15 signs of spiritual ego (from when I was a spiritual narcissist). Justin Brown. December 2020.
The Spiritual Ego Trap. Saqib Rizvi. 8 March 2020.