One day you are all bright and shiny, most days you could not even get yourself out of your bed.
That is how a bipolar personality is portrayed in Prime’s Modern Love with Anne Hathaway as the bipolar Lexi. She meets a guy in a supermarket and she dances a la La la Land then that same day, she couldn’t care less.
Suddenly I relate to her line,
“It’s amazing what trusting one true friend in your life can do. Once I told Sylvia, it seemed like the cat was out of the bag. I rang old boyfriends from over the years, colleagues I had just stopped calling for no reason. It was cathartic, strangely healing, how forgiving and understanding they were. And how little credit I had given so many people. And I promised myself no person would not know the full story of me.”Lexi (Anne Hathaway), Modern Love Season 1 Episode 3, “Take Me As I Am, Whoever I Am”
I always felt (pre-COVID) that interacting with a person takes a ton of energy from me. I needed to empty my cup but then I judge myself of becoming overbearing. This was also before I learned of my mental health condition.
It was exhausting every time I try to share my truth and I felt that peeling this side of me will make me less of the person they saw in me. I always felt that I have this persona that I have mastered, appearing okay when I am completely the opposite; just wading with my feet underwater, hoping to reach the shore or just even a driftwood floating.
While I am not bipolar, I am in that spectrum of not really caring, maybe a little bit jaded of how people perceive of who I am or what I actually think or they cared a lot but they also see me as pushing a lot of people away. Confusing, eh? Don’t worry, I am not looking for a lifesaver, I just need to vent it out.
I figured, Instagram’s 2,200 character limit is not really a good avenue to share how I felt while watching this episode. And while I only had extra time (well, I have lots of it) to catch this, watching it has given me a breather and a vivid imagery of the streets in New York. With this COVID and other limitations, I have settled that my dreams of roaming around its streets and with my eyes wanting to capture everything may happen in a different lifetime.
I came across this video of a lady suddenly seeing a Museum of Alternate Realities from Cracked and it grounded me. There is a long narrative of the characters and her alter egos but it’s as if watching a Wes Anderson movie or a Gilmore Girls rerun that you can’t help but listen to their tedious explanations of a simple thought. It was exhausting for a simple mind, but I do not mean to offend, I’m just saying as it is.
Yesterday was my last supply of anti-depressants. I stopped taking it last March 31 (2021) and retook it last August 5 to see how it felt. The full dose gave me this terrible headache, or maybe because my mind wanted to sleep at 9pm but my body doesn’t want to until 12 midnight. Later this evening, finally my psychiatrist has agreed for another teleconsult. My last was last February, and since she’s in Baguio (I’m in Manila), it was impossible to travel especially with the lockdown.
There is a part of me, stuck in 2014. And seriously, how do we even get to interact without the online streaming. And what amazes me is how a simple, “What’s on your mind?” status question on Facebook have pressured the world into being someone that we are not. Instagram became a portrayal of a filtered and orchestrated scene, while it did not intend it to be, the users who have the most followers gave this impression. Who says we are not stuck in high school, when all we wanted is to be the talk of the town; the It guy or girl of the school.
But not really, all I really wanted is to return to that feeling of being special to someone.